Dumb Ass Quotes

Model Linda Evangelista

I don't diet. I just don't eat as much as I'd like to

                            --Linda Evangelista

Building Our Self-Esteem At The Expense Of Others

Bad Day

I am having a very bad day.  This makes me sad.  Which in turn makes me mad. 

I have lots of bad days. I don't know why.  Oh wait...yea, I kinda do. I think it's a combination of circumstances beyond my control and my own pity party tendencies, coupled with my neurotic attempts to control everything and anything.




An Accurate Representation of My Career

 

The result is that I start to feel like I'm losing my mind.



Losing My Mind


 When I'm having a very bad day, a darkness envelopes me that I can't shake.  Kinda like the dark passenger in the Dexter series, only without the serial homicides.  However, I must admit, that given the right set of circumstances, Dexter's way of relieving stress may be a viable option for me.

However, days like this usually tend to make me want to throw-in the towel.  A catalogue of various options then begins to flow through my mind.

Option #1



Option #2



Option #3



But then I look at my beautiful babies and I feel rejuvenated.



My Beautiful Babies

Inspired, I now look for ways to rid myself of the darkness.

I live to fight another day!

Me, Kicking the Shit Out of Adversity

Now, Where's My Glass of Wine?! 

HAVE A HAPPY DAY!!!

Superhero Origins of Super Miss G

The Phenomenal and Supernatural Superhero Origins of an Extraordinary 5 Year Old Girl

SUPER MISS G:  Disguised as an ordinary Kindergartner

Portraying a mild mannered ordinary Kindergartner by day, Super Miss G is anything but ordinary.

Super Miss G was born in Canada to a wolf family who loved her very much.  Her wolf family taught her hunting and survival skills, it was from them that she derived her superhero powers.  Miss G gains super human strength from the beautiful colors of Pink and Purple.  Miss G possess the amazing powers of deduction that allows her to understand subtle nuances in speech that adults often use while feebly attempting to trick the average child.  Miss G is also well versed in the powers of mind control and the martial arts, with an emphasis on the utilization of her "extra cuteness," which she applies purely for the purposes of snuffing out evil.

The Evil Lady Gaga

Super Miss G lived with her loving Canadian wolf family until a day came in which their peaceful serenity was shattered.  A mistress of evil appeared one day in the middle of the Canadian wilderness.  This mistress of evil's name is:  Lady Gaga

Lady Gaga mercilessly murdered her innocent Canadian wolf family with poison arrows. Super Miss G, then orphaned, hiked all the way from Canada to California, where she met up with me, The Elk, my husband Big Daddy and our three other children: The Mole Sniper, Cap'n Hindsight and The General.  It was our family who adopted her as our own. Since the time of the adoption, Miss G has renounced her Canadian citizenship and became an American.  But Super Miss G has never forgotten the love she has for her wolf family and vows vengeance against Lady Gaga.  Hence, Super Miss G will not rest until her arch nemesis, the evil Lady Gaga, is vanquished and the world is made safe for wolves and kindergartners.


Stay tuned for the next episode in which Super Miss G will confront her arch nemesis in: 

Super Miss G vs. Lady Gaga

Dumb Ass Quotes

Endless Source of Dumb Quotes

As a kid when I was growing up, I remember vividly being on the roof of my family's station wagon, and across the street was the Sahara Desert. I always wanted to see other places and learn about how other people lived. I began to travel and saw different cultures even within America.

                                                            --Tom Cruise

  Building Our Self-Esteem At The Expense Of Others

You Have Failed As A Parent If...

In this age of parental permissiveness, it's time for a reality check that even Dr. Spock would agree with:

• If your daughter walks out the front door with make-up on so thick she could substitute for Bozo the Clown at a circus...You have failed as a parent

• If your daughter believes stripping is a real viable career option...You have failed as a parent

• If your son regularly refers to girls and women as bitches and hos...You have failed as a parent

• If strangers can't tell the difference between your 14 year old daughter and a street walker...You have failed as a parent

• If the terms "my baby's mama" or "my baby's daddy" is utilized in your home by your children...You have failed as a parent

• If you smoke dope with your children...You have failed as a parent

• If you think it's acceptable to allow your 15 year old son or daughter to have their significant other sleep over in their bedroom...You have failed as a parent

• If you regularly 'party' with your kids and their friends...You have failed as a parent

• If your daughter believes that pole dancing should be a choice for P.E....You have failed as a parent

• If your children refer to your current spouse as uncle/aunt, cousin and step-parent...You have failed as a parent

• If you ever date your child's former or current significant other...You have failed as a parent

• If the police know your children by their first names (and they're not related nor are they family friends)...You have failed as a parent

• If your tween or younger children understand the reference to "Debbie Does Dallas"...You have failed as a parent

Spreading Enlightenment and Guilt in One Fell Swoop--That's What I Do.  You're Welcome.

San Francisco Board of Burgermeisters Meisterburgers

CALL TO ACTION

         UNITE TO STOP TOY BAN TYRANNY

The Grinch couldn't steal Christmas--although he tried very hard.

The San Francisco Board of Burgermeisters Meisterburgers are trying to steal the toys out of kids' Happy Meals. 

On November 2nd, San Francisco Board of Burgermeisters Meisterburgers passed a city ordinance banning toy giveaways in Happy Meals and similar fast-foods that lack the requisite nutritional value.

"Toys are hereby declared illegal, immoral, unlawful AND anyone found with a toy in his possession will be placed under arrest and thrown in the dungeon. No kidding!"

 However, San Francisco's Mayor Gavin Newsom, in an act of enlightened governing, vetoed the ban and declared, "...what's next, Cap'n Crunch...Tony the Tiger?"  Now the Board of Burgermeisters are threatening to override the veto.

Well, I say, 'hands off my Happy Meal!'  And 'stay the hell away from my Count Chocula and Lucky Charms!'  Tony the Tiger is an icon from my generation--manhandle him and thousands of Gen Xers will scream out in unison.  'Where will this madness stop?'

"Poor, misguided folks. They missed the whole point. Lot's of unhappiness? Maybe so. But doesn't a Happy Meal toy take a little bit of that unhappiness away? Doesn't a smile on a child when he/she opens up their Happy Meal and finds a toy scratch out a tear cried on a sadder day..?"

A Happy Meal without a toy, is no longer a 'Happy' Meal, it's just a regular old meal.  Hence, the Board wants to steal happiness from children.  Just like Ebeneezer Scrooge.  Well, I say, 'Bahumbug' to them.  I will not be silenced by the food police.  Like any other good mom, I know the value of a good bribe when my child is inconsolable.  Cookies, ice cream, toys, etc...whatever it takes to keep them from screaming.  I'm all for it.

"Watch out for that dolly. She's a hardened criminal, I hear."

Contact these morons at:  http://www.sfbos.org/  SF Board of Burgermeisters Meisterburgers, and tell them that if they ban Happy Meal toys, you, in an act of civil disobedience, will purposefully increase your carbon footprint for one whole day and drop your screaming kid off at their office.

"You are obviously a nonconformist and a rebel!" 

                                                                                'Yes, yes I am.'

Dumb Ass Quotes



I've been noticing gravity since I was very young.

                   --Cameron Diaz

Building Our Self-Esteem at the Expense of Others

Dear God...

Dear God, I was born to neglectful and physically abusive parents....what are You doing?

Dear God, I was born with a congenital defect....what are You doing?

Dear God, as a result of parental neglect, my birth defect became a lifelong chronic medical condition...what are You doing?

Dear God, You gave me two wonderful grandparents, and when I absolutely needed them the most, You took them away from me...what are You doing?

Dear God, while most kids enjoyed perfect health, I was a patient at Children's Hospital...what are You doing?

Dear God, You took two babies from me...what are You doing?

Dear God, You allowed me to make peace with my dad, but soon after took him away from me...what are You doing?

Dear God, You left me alone with a narcissistic manipulative mother...what are You doing?

Dear God, my only sibling has made me the scapegoat for the sins of our parents.  We will never have a normal sibling relationship...what are You doing?

Dear God, please don't misunderstand me.  I don't believe that I'm like Job.  Job had it much worse.  As a matter of fact, most of the world has it much worse.  You have given me many blessings that I don't deserve.  But as C.S. Lewis observed we turn to Him in our deepest moments of pain, but yet God does not seem to be there when you need Him most.

Where is God? Go to him when your need is desperate, when all other help is vain, and what do you find? A door slammed in your face, and a sound of bolting and double-bolting on the inside. After that, silence.  (A Grief Observed)

Dear God, please don't misunderstand.  Please don't think that I'm demanding an explanation. Because I am not.  I am merely requesting a scintilla of insight that may buoy me to endure another day.

Talk to me about the truth of religion and I'll listen gladly. Talk to me about the duty of religion and I'll listen submissively. But don't come talking to me about the consolations of religion or I shall suspect that you don't understand. (A Grief Observed)

November 15th Is Tightfisted Scot Day

I, hereby do decree, that in honor of my grandma, M. A. Elkin, within the world of virtual space and within the world that exists in my own cerebral cortex, November 15th will forever and for all time, space and eternity be: 

Tightfisted Scot Day

By virtue of this decree, everyone is commanded to use at least one coupon today.  Everyone is also commanded to buy something in bulk and store it for the next Great Depression or Armageddon, whichever comes first 

So go forth, find a Scotsman, pay them a quarter, and then give them a big hug and say, "Happy Tightfisted Scot Day!"



Dumb Ass Quotes

They want to be like me.  They're seeing the glamor icon but don't realize . . . there are more facets to me besides spreading my legs.

                         
              --Jenna Jameson

Building Our Self-Esteem at the Expense of Others

Amazon.com Can Suck My D@#k

Well, that is if I had one.  But I'll buy one just for them...Size EXTRA-LARGE.

Everyone is weighing in on this Amazon controversy involving some disgusting book for pedophiles.  It's pissing me off so much, I gotta put in my 2 cents worth. 

Spare me your 1st Amendment bullshit.  All of us dweebie lawyers know there are exceptions to the 1st Amendment, such as those communications that may incite violence or incite criminal behavior, blaaablaaablaaabla.  I won't bore my millions of readers with legal mumbo jumbo.  To focus on a legal argument is totally missing the point.  The bottom line is this:  Amazon.com made a pure and simple business decision.  They made a choice and their choice was to create controversy and publicity.  Probably under the theory that all publicity is good publicity and thus increases their sales.  Horseshit!  They choose to make available to the buying public certain items (that I won't list here because I don't want some dumb shit to go buy it) that can be described as being in extreme bad taste at best, and outright dangerous ('dangerous' defined as: physical harm will befall an innocent person) at worst.  The fact that they have now pulled this particular book is irrelevant.

Well, Amazon.com your business model sucks ass.  Putting profits over the lives of people.  The ultimate example of blood money.  As a Children's Law Attorney, but more importantly as a Mommy, I say, "Fuck You Amazon!  I Will Never Buy Another Product From You!"  A stupid business decision on your part Amazon, you just lost a very profitable and reliable customer. 

I think I'll write a book titled, "A Lawyer's Guide to Bending Amazon.com Over and Sticking it Up Their Ass (Both Figuratively and Literally)."  Hmmmmm.....I wonder if Amazon would publish that?

Christmas and the Wicked Witch of the West

Once a year, just around Christmas time, the Wicked Witch of the West pays our family a holiday visit.  Spreading awkward uncomfortableness to everyone present.

Her lair lies deep within a canyon of San Francisco's East Bay.  Where only a recent murder and her despised current husband lay.

At this magical alcohol-fueled time of the year, she blows into town on a cloud of vodka vapor, with family members running away from her in fear. 

Behind the wheel of her over-priced Toyota Prius, she exceeds the speed limit weaving in and out of traffic, as if she were fleeing a Whole Foods going-out-of-business panic.

Screeching to a stop in our driveway, the Wicked Witch of the West, pounds on our front door, and yells out, "Hellooooooo, it's meeee."

Carrying her Trader Joe's eco-friendly cloth bag, she stomps the mud off of her Birkenstocks in my entry hallway.  She shares back-handed compliments and passive aggressive taunts for all.  And exasperatingly exclaims, "This house is just way too small."

Bringing bright shiny gifts that she dug out of the bottom of her kitchen junk drawer. She hands her teenaged grandchildren prizes that aren't appropriate for any child over the age of four.

Her rudeness knows no bounds, as she then rifles through my pantry and complains that a good organic spinach fettuccine cannot be found.

Regaling us with her adventure stories of Alaskan Cruises, Irish Pubs and middle-aged yoga instructors named Miguel.  I can't help but think I'm in the inner circle of Dante's Hell.

Yes, she is the Wicked Witch of the West.  And as she leaves, she turns to me, her only daughter-in-law, with a twisted boozy smirk across her lips, declares, "I'll get you my little pretty, I'll get you yet!"  Hahahahahahaha!

Dumb Ass Quotes

I would say that anything that is indecent and violent in TV is a crime against humanity and they should shoot the head man responsible.

                  --Ted Turner

Building Our Self-Esteem at the Expense of Others

My Life (or in the alternative, My Banal Existence)

So here I am, on the cusp of a major milestone in my life, and feeling as if I have little to show for my time on this planet.  Well, I guess that means I can join the other several millions of people who drudge through their daily lives like drone ants gathering materials for the colony and then returning home with their booty, only to feel as if they missed out on something bigger.  How boring. 

I have to say in all honesty, my life hasn't been totally boring.  At times extremely mundane, yes, at times nauseatingly tedious, definitely, and at times, very joyful.  But my life has also been accentuated by periods of extreme pain, which can be described in a number of different ways, none of which include the word 'boring.'

In writing my life story, so far, I can't tell any crazy nymphomaniac Las Vegas stories, where I go to bed with a stranger and wake up to 3 other men in my bed and an assortment of farm animals in my room.  Wasn't that a movie recently?  Well, unless you count the time I was 17 years old and in Greece and I fucked this guy I just met, multiple times in multiple locations all over the islands of Ios and Santrini.  But I don't think that counts because I actually ended up marrying that guy...and we're still married with 4 kids.  Not very sexy.

I can't recount any lurid druggie tales, a la James Frey in A Million Little Pieces.  Oh yea, I forgot, Frey can't either.  I'm sorry, 3 glasses of wine a week do not an addiction make.  Alas, I wish it would cause that would be a better story.

But my story does include harrowing childhood adventures of neglect and physical abuse coupled with a chronic illness and premature family deaths.  The crap that bad soap operas are made of.  Only, unfortunately for me, it was all too real.  Holy fucking shit, given my background, how the fuck I didn't become a junkie Hell's Angel Biker Mama, I have no idea.  I turned out so much better than that...I became a lawyer.  LOL!  Ethically dubious, but definitely not boring.

Dumb Ass Quotes

So, where's the Cannes Film Festival being held this year?

              --Christina Aguilera






Building Our Self-Esteem at the Expense of Others

Formula For A Happy Sex Life: 2Or :Or = O +( NxS) +Cpm/T+He

2Or : Or (Or= Orgasm) is the 2:1 ratio of female orgasms to male.  The 2 female climaxes must precede the male's; however, the numerical value of 2 may be increased without suffering a diminution of satisfaction on the part of the female.  But note, sometimes a multiplicity of Or beyond the value of 2 again may result in a slight lessening in intensity and length with all other subsequent climaxes beyond 2.  Also of import, the numerical value of 1 for male orgasm is not a necessity for attaining female pleasure and in fact may be discarded all together, thus resulting in a nil value.  This determination is dependent upon the hormonal cycle of the participant female.

O +(NxS) +Cpm/T+He is the "scientifically proven" formula for happiness developed by psychologist Cliff Arnall.  O stands for being outdoors and outdoor activity, which is added to N, representing a connection with nature.  Multiplied by S, the pleasure we receive when we socialize with friends and added by Cpm, which is the collective memories of all of our positive childhood experiences, then divided by T, the mean temperature at which an individual feels most comfortable, may be the summertime mean, but dependent on individual geographic location.  And lastly, added to He, which is the emotions brought on by holiday excitement, such as Christmas.

Thus, 2Or :Or = O +( NxS) +Cpm/T+He.  If the female receives at least 2 climaxes during copulation, then she will experience happiness.  This happiness will directly impact her male partner by making her more inclined to engage in further sexual activity with him.  This, in turn, should exponentially increase the male's satisfaction in that he will be getting more nookie.  With that increased level of nookie comes more opportunity for both the female and the male to experience more orgasms and thus more happiness. 

Pass this scientifically proven formula on to all underperforming men.

If your male partner already practices this formula on a regular basis--then get down on your knees and suck his cock because he is a sexual genius and thus a GIANT among men.

Dumb Ass Quotes

The word 'genius' isn't applicable in football. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein.

                --Joe Theismann

Building Our Self-Esteem at the Expense of Others

Cain and Abel

"Fuck you, you fat-ass bitch!"  "You're fuckin friend lies on her timecard, she's stealing from all of us," I screamed.  "I want all of my money out of the business." 

It was at this point my sister, aka fat-ass bitch ("FAB") heaved her 5'11'' 285 lbs frame at me and grabbed me by my head and started punching, while yelling that she's had enough of me.  I, of course, started punching back. 

FAB, who has 2 inches and 150 lbs on me, ultimately pinned me with her massive frame, crushing me.  She refused to get off of me.  As she's laying on top of me she's telling me how "abusive I am" and that she's "not going to take it anymore."  Since she refused to get off of me, I defended myself with the only weapon available to me:  My Teeth.  Her extremely large breasts were literally in my face and practically smothering me, so I bit her right on the boobie and held on like a dog with a bone.  FAB responded by punching me 3 times in the face, giving me a black eye, and quickly jumping off of me. 

Now, while all of this was going on, our mother, who is the epitome of maternal love and comfort was screeching "Stop it, stop it!"  That was the extent of her guidance/interference in the matter of her only children attempting to beat each others brains out.  Well, aside from her crying and begging me not to call the police and have FAB arrested for domestic violence, since as even she admitted, it had been FAB who attacked me.  I did not call the police.  I probably should have.

This is the unfortunate true story of two sisters, both grown women, one a lawyer and the other a doctor, who hate each others guts.  On this particular day, we were fighting about an employee of a business that we jointly own.  The employee is a very close friend of FAB.  This employee has been stealing from the business by intentionally falsifying her timecard (ie., only working a certain number of hours while recording that she worked more hours and thus collecting the extra income), and FAB refused to do anything about it.  But the real reason FAB and I are fighting is because FAB is angry that when we were kids our father favored me over her.  A father that has now been dead for over 11 years.  This is not a story that will probably end well.

The employee still works for the business.

My Role Model--Granny AKA Grandma Moses

     Granny, from the Beverly Hillbillies is my role model.  Hang with me here, I'm dead serious, this is no joke.  Granny possessed all the qualities of strength and character modern women profess to possess or covet to attain. 
     Granny was the matriarch of her family, no one did anything without Granny knowing about it and/or approving of it.  Even when family members attempted to do something against Granny's will, Granny always found out and straightened them out, usually with a good kick to their backside.  Granny was the family intellectual.  She was like an Ozark Socrates, with a quick wit and oodles of common sense wisdom.  Granny would tell you like it is, not how you would like it to be.  Granny was hot tempered and quick to defend her kin folk because if your own family ain't on your side, who the hell else will be.  Granny did what she liked, wore what she liked and said what she liked and if you didn't like it then that was just too damn bad for you.  Most importantly Granny was loved and respected by her family.  I want to be like Granny.

Dumb Ass Quotes

I'm very intelligent. I'm capable of doing everything put to me. I've launched a perfume and want my own hotel chain. I'm living proof blondes are not stupid.

                  --Paris Hilton

Dumb Ass Quotes....Building Our Self-Esteem at the Expense of Others

Dumb Ass Quotes

Rock is really about dick and testosterone. I go and see a band, I want to f@#k the guy - that's the way it is. It's always been that way.

                                --Courtney Love





The Root of My Angst

     I want to scream at the top of my lungs that I AM DONE!  I am done minding my p's and q's.  I am done feeling guilty for shit I do and shit I don't do.  I am done playing nice.  I am going to pick my toys up and go home.  I am now going to indulge my narcissistic side and for the first time in my life, publicly vent my thoughts and feelings.  That's right...hold on to your pannies...I am unshackling my self-imposed chastity belt and unleashing my inner self onto an unsuspecting world. 
     I have spent my whole life trying to always do the "right thing."  There are a multitude of reasons for my futile attempts at perfection.  All reasons range from fucked-up parents who didn't love me like they should have to my own ingrained personality proscribed by my DNA code (note that the DNA code is inherited from parents and thus, their fault again).  And every other reason in between.  But no more.  I will use this blog as a cathartic confessional.  A kind of purge for my extremely up-tight and repressed Puritanical self.  An opportunity to finally be heard.  A chance to not be ignored.  The potential prospect of finally ridding myself of unnecessary guilt and shame.  Wish me luck.