Dumb Ass Quotes



I've been noticing gravity since I was very young.

                   --Cameron Diaz

Building Our Self-Esteem at the Expense of Others

Dear God...

Dear God, I was born to neglectful and physically abusive parents....what are You doing?

Dear God, I was born with a congenital defect....what are You doing?

Dear God, as a result of parental neglect, my birth defect became a lifelong chronic medical condition...what are You doing?

Dear God, You gave me two wonderful grandparents, and when I absolutely needed them the most, You took them away from me...what are You doing?

Dear God, while most kids enjoyed perfect health, I was a patient at Children's Hospital...what are You doing?

Dear God, You took two babies from me...what are You doing?

Dear God, You allowed me to make peace with my dad, but soon after took him away from me...what are You doing?

Dear God, You left me alone with a narcissistic manipulative mother...what are You doing?

Dear God, my only sibling has made me the scapegoat for the sins of our parents.  We will never have a normal sibling relationship...what are You doing?

Dear God, please don't misunderstand me.  I don't believe that I'm like Job.  Job had it much worse.  As a matter of fact, most of the world has it much worse.  You have given me many blessings that I don't deserve.  But as C.S. Lewis observed we turn to Him in our deepest moments of pain, but yet God does not seem to be there when you need Him most.

Where is God? Go to him when your need is desperate, when all other help is vain, and what do you find? A door slammed in your face, and a sound of bolting and double-bolting on the inside. After that, silence.  (A Grief Observed)

Dear God, please don't misunderstand.  Please don't think that I'm demanding an explanation. Because I am not.  I am merely requesting a scintilla of insight that may buoy me to endure another day.

Talk to me about the truth of religion and I'll listen gladly. Talk to me about the duty of religion and I'll listen submissively. But don't come talking to me about the consolations of religion or I shall suspect that you don't understand. (A Grief Observed)

November 15th Is Tightfisted Scot Day

I, hereby do decree, that in honor of my grandma, M. A. Elkin, within the world of virtual space and within the world that exists in my own cerebral cortex, November 15th will forever and for all time, space and eternity be: 

Tightfisted Scot Day

By virtue of this decree, everyone is commanded to use at least one coupon today.  Everyone is also commanded to buy something in bulk and store it for the next Great Depression or Armageddon, whichever comes first 

So go forth, find a Scotsman, pay them a quarter, and then give them a big hug and say, "Happy Tightfisted Scot Day!"



Dumb Ass Quotes

They want to be like me.  They're seeing the glamor icon but don't realize . . . there are more facets to me besides spreading my legs.

                         
              --Jenna Jameson

Building Our Self-Esteem at the Expense of Others

Amazon.com Can Suck My D@#k

Well, that is if I had one.  But I'll buy one just for them...Size EXTRA-LARGE.

Everyone is weighing in on this Amazon controversy involving some disgusting book for pedophiles.  It's pissing me off so much, I gotta put in my 2 cents worth. 

Spare me your 1st Amendment bullshit.  All of us dweebie lawyers know there are exceptions to the 1st Amendment, such as those communications that may incite violence or incite criminal behavior, blaaablaaablaaabla.  I won't bore my millions of readers with legal mumbo jumbo.  To focus on a legal argument is totally missing the point.  The bottom line is this:  Amazon.com made a pure and simple business decision.  They made a choice and their choice was to create controversy and publicity.  Probably under the theory that all publicity is good publicity and thus increases their sales.  Horseshit!  They choose to make available to the buying public certain items (that I won't list here because I don't want some dumb shit to go buy it) that can be described as being in extreme bad taste at best, and outright dangerous ('dangerous' defined as: physical harm will befall an innocent person) at worst.  The fact that they have now pulled this particular book is irrelevant.

Well, Amazon.com your business model sucks ass.  Putting profits over the lives of people.  The ultimate example of blood money.  As a Children's Law Attorney, but more importantly as a Mommy, I say, "Fuck You Amazon!  I Will Never Buy Another Product From You!"  A stupid business decision on your part Amazon, you just lost a very profitable and reliable customer. 

I think I'll write a book titled, "A Lawyer's Guide to Bending Amazon.com Over and Sticking it Up Their Ass (Both Figuratively and Literally)."  Hmmmmm.....I wonder if Amazon would publish that?

Christmas and the Wicked Witch of the West

Once a year, just around Christmas time, the Wicked Witch of the West pays our family a holiday visit.  Spreading awkward uncomfortableness to everyone present.

Her lair lies deep within a canyon of San Francisco's East Bay.  Where only a recent murder and her despised current husband lay.

At this magical alcohol-fueled time of the year, she blows into town on a cloud of vodka vapor, with family members running away from her in fear. 

Behind the wheel of her over-priced Toyota Prius, she exceeds the speed limit weaving in and out of traffic, as if she were fleeing a Whole Foods going-out-of-business panic.

Screeching to a stop in our driveway, the Wicked Witch of the West, pounds on our front door, and yells out, "Hellooooooo, it's meeee."

Carrying her Trader Joe's eco-friendly cloth bag, she stomps the mud off of her Birkenstocks in my entry hallway.  She shares back-handed compliments and passive aggressive taunts for all.  And exasperatingly exclaims, "This house is just way too small."

Bringing bright shiny gifts that she dug out of the bottom of her kitchen junk drawer. She hands her teenaged grandchildren prizes that aren't appropriate for any child over the age of four.

Her rudeness knows no bounds, as she then rifles through my pantry and complains that a good organic spinach fettuccine cannot be found.

Regaling us with her adventure stories of Alaskan Cruises, Irish Pubs and middle-aged yoga instructors named Miguel.  I can't help but think I'm in the inner circle of Dante's Hell.

Yes, she is the Wicked Witch of the West.  And as she leaves, she turns to me, her only daughter-in-law, with a twisted boozy smirk across her lips, declares, "I'll get you my little pretty, I'll get you yet!"  Hahahahahahaha!

Dumb Ass Quotes

I would say that anything that is indecent and violent in TV is a crime against humanity and they should shoot the head man responsible.

                  --Ted Turner

Building Our Self-Esteem at the Expense of Others

My Life (or in the alternative, My Banal Existence)

So here I am, on the cusp of a major milestone in my life, and feeling as if I have little to show for my time on this planet.  Well, I guess that means I can join the other several millions of people who drudge through their daily lives like drone ants gathering materials for the colony and then returning home with their booty, only to feel as if they missed out on something bigger.  How boring. 

I have to say in all honesty, my life hasn't been totally boring.  At times extremely mundane, yes, at times nauseatingly tedious, definitely, and at times, very joyful.  But my life has also been accentuated by periods of extreme pain, which can be described in a number of different ways, none of which include the word 'boring.'

In writing my life story, so far, I can't tell any crazy nymphomaniac Las Vegas stories, where I go to bed with a stranger and wake up to 3 other men in my bed and an assortment of farm animals in my room.  Wasn't that a movie recently?  Well, unless you count the time I was 17 years old and in Greece and I fucked this guy I just met, multiple times in multiple locations all over the islands of Ios and Santrini.  But I don't think that counts because I actually ended up marrying that guy...and we're still married with 4 kids.  Not very sexy.

I can't recount any lurid druggie tales, a la James Frey in A Million Little Pieces.  Oh yea, I forgot, Frey can't either.  I'm sorry, 3 glasses of wine a week do not an addiction make.  Alas, I wish it would cause that would be a better story.

But my story does include harrowing childhood adventures of neglect and physical abuse coupled with a chronic illness and premature family deaths.  The crap that bad soap operas are made of.  Only, unfortunately for me, it was all too real.  Holy fucking shit, given my background, how the fuck I didn't become a junkie Hell's Angel Biker Mama, I have no idea.  I turned out so much better than that...I became a lawyer.  LOL!  Ethically dubious, but definitely not boring.