Wise In The Ways of Science

"Who is this young lad who is so wise in the ways of science?" 

It is Pablo.  Pablo of the Central Valley.  A young lad of 11 years, who's ancestry is so mixed he makes a mutt look like a thoroughbred.  The mixture is through no fault of his mother's unassailable Celtic DNA, but instead the byproduct of his mother's love and lust for an Italian/Portuguese/German/Russian Roman Catholic Swede that she bagged on a beach in Greece.

Pablo just spent the entire last week away at 6th Grade Science Camp in the Sierra Mountains.  It was the first time he has ever been to camp.  He was excited to go away to camp, but extremely anxious to come home.  Prior to camp, Pablo contemplated a future career in science, now he says he just wants to live with his mommy forever.

Pablo has no daring adventures to tell, except that he swung into an ice cold river on a rope swing, lost a baby tooth, and became severely constipated as a result of his aversion to porta-pottys.  However, he did go hoarse from yelling loudly during Wednesday Skit Night and as a direct consequence of this hoarseness and oncoming puberty, his voice changed into what all the girls described as "Justin Bieber like."  The girls swarmed him and continually wanted him to "say something" in his now "sexy" Justin Bieber voice.  Which Pablo says he enjoyed.

Pablo swears that for now on he will only experience science in the comfort of a temperature-controled classroom setting, with sanitary restrooms near by.

Pablo is a wise lad.

Back From the Abyss

Yes!  I am back!

Back from the abyss of nonexistence.  Back from the hinterlands of academic Siberia.  Back from ether world of geeks and dorks, where reading the Supreme Court Opinion regarding the Westboro Baptist Church protesting military funerals (see Snyder v. Phelps et al) is an exciting literary adventure in First Amendment U.S. Constitutional Law.  For those legal dorks who truly want to sink their teeth into the meat of the Snyder case, they even actually read Alito dissenting opinion. 

So for those out of the know, yes, I just got done taking the California State Bar.  Every state has it's own requirements to practice law, so just because your licensed to practice in one state doesn't mean your licensed to practice in another.  And California's test is mother fuckin bitch from the pit of hell.  I spent the last two months studying for this fuckin test and I truly believe that as a result of sending my neurons into overdrive for long periods of time this use has caused me to lose brain cells that I actually need to function.  For example, I now walk into room and within 10 seconds I've forgotten what the hell I went into that room for.  But I still can tell you the statutory requirements for a valid will in California.  Thank you, California State Bar. 

I won't know if I passed until May.  If I passed then 'hooray' for me.  If I didn't, I don't want to hear one goddamned word about it because that means I'll be studying for the July test...again...and I'm not going to be in a good mood.  So until May, I'm here to stay...enlightening, pontificating and reveling in the fact that I'm not studying for that fucking test again.

Dumb Ass Quotes

Model Linda Evangelista

I don't diet. I just don't eat as much as I'd like to

                            --Linda Evangelista

Building Our Self-Esteem At The Expense Of Others

Bad Day

I am having a very bad day.  This makes me sad.  Which in turn makes me mad. 

I have lots of bad days. I don't know why.  Oh wait...yea, I kinda do. I think it's a combination of circumstances beyond my control and my own pity party tendencies, coupled with my neurotic attempts to control everything and anything.




An Accurate Representation of My Career

 

The result is that I start to feel like I'm losing my mind.



Losing My Mind


 When I'm having a very bad day, a darkness envelopes me that I can't shake.  Kinda like the dark passenger in the Dexter series, only without the serial homicides.  However, I must admit, that given the right set of circumstances, Dexter's way of relieving stress may be a viable option for me.

However, days like this usually tend to make me want to throw-in the towel.  A catalogue of various options then begins to flow through my mind.

Option #1



Option #2



Option #3



But then I look at my beautiful babies and I feel rejuvenated.



My Beautiful Babies

Inspired, I now look for ways to rid myself of the darkness.

I live to fight another day!

Me, Kicking the Shit Out of Adversity

Now, Where's My Glass of Wine?! 

HAVE A HAPPY DAY!!!

Superhero Origins of Super Miss G

The Phenomenal and Supernatural Superhero Origins of an Extraordinary 5 Year Old Girl

SUPER MISS G:  Disguised as an ordinary Kindergartner

Portraying a mild mannered ordinary Kindergartner by day, Super Miss G is anything but ordinary.

Super Miss G was born in Canada to a wolf family who loved her very much.  Her wolf family taught her hunting and survival skills, it was from them that she derived her superhero powers.  Miss G gains super human strength from the beautiful colors of Pink and Purple.  Miss G possess the amazing powers of deduction that allows her to understand subtle nuances in speech that adults often use while feebly attempting to trick the average child.  Miss G is also well versed in the powers of mind control and the martial arts, with an emphasis on the utilization of her "extra cuteness," which she applies purely for the purposes of snuffing out evil.

The Evil Lady Gaga

Super Miss G lived with her loving Canadian wolf family until a day came in which their peaceful serenity was shattered.  A mistress of evil appeared one day in the middle of the Canadian wilderness.  This mistress of evil's name is:  Lady Gaga

Lady Gaga mercilessly murdered her innocent Canadian wolf family with poison arrows. Super Miss G, then orphaned, hiked all the way from Canada to California, where she met up with me, The Elk, my husband Big Daddy and our three other children: The Mole Sniper, Cap'n Hindsight and The General.  It was our family who adopted her as our own. Since the time of the adoption, Miss G has renounced her Canadian citizenship and became an American.  But Super Miss G has never forgotten the love she has for her wolf family and vows vengeance against Lady Gaga.  Hence, Super Miss G will not rest until her arch nemesis, the evil Lady Gaga, is vanquished and the world is made safe for wolves and kindergartners.


Stay tuned for the next episode in which Super Miss G will confront her arch nemesis in: 

Super Miss G vs. Lady Gaga

Dumb Ass Quotes

Endless Source of Dumb Quotes

As a kid when I was growing up, I remember vividly being on the roof of my family's station wagon, and across the street was the Sahara Desert. I always wanted to see other places and learn about how other people lived. I began to travel and saw different cultures even within America.

                                                            --Tom Cruise

  Building Our Self-Esteem At The Expense Of Others

You Have Failed As A Parent If...

In this age of parental permissiveness, it's time for a reality check that even Dr. Spock would agree with:

• If your daughter walks out the front door with make-up on so thick she could substitute for Bozo the Clown at a circus...You have failed as a parent

• If your daughter believes stripping is a real viable career option...You have failed as a parent

• If your son regularly refers to girls and women as bitches and hos...You have failed as a parent

• If strangers can't tell the difference between your 14 year old daughter and a street walker...You have failed as a parent

• If the terms "my baby's mama" or "my baby's daddy" is utilized in your home by your children...You have failed as a parent

• If you smoke dope with your children...You have failed as a parent

• If you think it's acceptable to allow your 15 year old son or daughter to have their significant other sleep over in their bedroom...You have failed as a parent

• If you regularly 'party' with your kids and their friends...You have failed as a parent

• If your daughter believes that pole dancing should be a choice for P.E....You have failed as a parent

• If your children refer to your current spouse as uncle/aunt, cousin and step-parent...You have failed as a parent

• If you ever date your child's former or current significant other...You have failed as a parent

• If the police know your children by their first names (and they're not related nor are they family friends)...You have failed as a parent

• If your tween or younger children understand the reference to "Debbie Does Dallas"...You have failed as a parent

Spreading Enlightenment and Guilt in One Fell Swoop--That's What I Do.  You're Welcome.